Is it possible to write a Baltimore sports blog without mentioning the baseball and football team? I could write about the upcoming Blast season but I’m not sure when that starts, if it already started, if they are still a team, or if it’s even legal to write about indoor soccer. So, that’s not going to work. I think the Bayhawks are still a thing. I’m not sure why or how but according to Google, they exist and there is still a functioning professional lacrosse league in the world. But I’d rather eat my own dog than write another word about professional lacrosse and I quite like my dog so that idea is out. Damnit.
Sunday’s game was miserable. The day started with such promise. I woke up early and walked outside to find a crisp fall morning that felt like football. It was October 1st, the Steelers were in town with first place on the line, I was on my way to tailgate, all was right with the world. By 5pm, I was drunk, broke, sunburned (only on the right side of my face), had some bad indigestion, was questioning my life trajectory and was physically ill from watching the Ravens offense attempt, but miserably fail, to function at any level resembling an NFL team. The day was basically a metaphor for my twenties. I started with such promise and enthusiasm and I’m closing them out being a bitter, out of shape, self loathing waiter/sports blogging intern. And holy hell do I hate Steelers fans. Has anyone ever seen an attractive Steelers fan? I’m not judging people solely on their looks ( Steelers fans have horrendous personalities as well) but seriously, has anyone ever seen a Steelers fan and dreamt of being between the sheets rolling around blissfully on a cool weekend morning? I don’t think so. When I see a Steelers fan I usually either fantasize about framing them for murder or I estimate how many bratwursts they could eat while they are on the toilet. Sometimes both. Sometimes I think of ways to frame them in a toilet, brat related murder. It’s a fun game that I highly recommend.
For all of you Ravens’ fans that booed the team when they knelt for a prayer before the national anthem, well done. You are all brilliant, woke, pillars of society. I’m going to follow your lead and start booing everyone I see that is either kneeling or praying. Look, I don’t mind a good prayer booing every once in awhile and I’m no fan of kneeling because it’s quite uncomfortable so I do understand, somewhat. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s not why you were booing. It was a really good representation of the city so I’m very proud of all of you. I’m pretty sure Steelers’ fans don’t want to make babies with you guys either. Thank god. A baby with the looks of a Steelers’ fan and the intelligent social awareness of some Ravens’ fans couldn’t possibly contribute much to society. Best case scenario they could grow up to be president.
I still have hope for this Ravens’ season. I’m not sure why and I can’t really attempt to convince anyone to join me in still believing but it’s only been four games. There is still time for this offense to figure something out. Or, there could be 12 more games that resemble the last two weeks which sounds as appealing to watch as a mother duck giving birth into the mouth of an alligator. I guess some people might be into stuff like that. No judgement here. I’m into some really weird stuff too. For example, I put salt in my toothpaste before brushing.
The Orioles’ season mercifully came to an end on Sunday. September was a complete disaster for the birds going 7-20 in the month and finishing in last place in the A.L. East. I can’t really think of many, if any positives from this season. Obviously Schoopy had a great year, but that’s about where it ends. I’m not sure what the offseason will look like of for the birds but clearly, in the most obvious statement of the year, the O’s need some new humans on the team that can throw the ball from 60 feet 6 inches resulting in the other team’s players being retired and not scoring as many runs. Regardless, I’ll be there on opening day next year excited for a new season of baseball. Maybe the Orioles can resign Ubaldo for two more years because according to Jim Hunter’s brilliant theory of, ” the law of averages,” Ubaldo is due for two straight Cy Young’s. God, Jim Hunter is awful. No matter how badly the Orioles’ season goes, he is always the least valuable member of the organization. I’d rather listen to Gary Thorne drunkenly call a can of corn, that dies in front of the warning track, a home run any day.
My homework for this week was to write some type of “Ode,” to Jerry for his 50th birthday. I’ve only known Jerry for a couple of months so I’m not sure what happened in the 49 previous years but if I know one thing, he loves a clean carpet. This is not a sexual reference, at least I don’t mean for it to be. He is just literally obsessed with the carpet in his house being clean. The first time I went to his house he had a post-it note on the front door requesting to remove your shoes upon entrance if they were not completely clean. If that wasn’t enough, he had another post-it note on the bottom stair leading up to his first floor requesting the same. Luckily my shoes were clean because I don’t think the guys would have liked to smell my feet for the two hours while recording the show. Jerry also freaked out at Jason for eating a cookie at his house because he possibly could have gotten a crumb on the floor. He also made Danny eat a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich over the sink. Just like I have stories from inside the Orioles’ locker room, I have stories from inside the BMore Opinionated podcast recordings. The guys did not make me sign a non-disclosure agreement so if you want any inside info, just ask. Maybe you can give me 20 bucks for info and I’ll let you have a boomboom t-shirt as a prize.
“Ode To Coleman.”
Jerry is fifty, that’s pretty old,
So here’s a poem before he goes stiff and cold,
Jerry always knows the scoop,
Jerry follows John Harbaugh into the bathroom when he poops,
Jerry works with Rob and Ed,
Unlike them, Jerry has a normal-ish sized head,
I’ve heard Jerry doesn’t like to pay,
If you are lost, call Jerry, He’s The Lantern and will guide the way,
Jerry is friends with Adam Jones,
They share laughs, hugs, pies and talk all night on the phone,
Jerry got called out on Pardon My Take,
Jerry, clean your dining room table for God sakes,
Jerry knows his Baltimore sports,
I’m not positive but if I had to guess, Jerry used to wear Jorts,
Happy birthday Jerry, and here’s to 50 more,
You are the best boss an intern could ask for,
I hope you like your birthday rhyme,
When are you going to start paying me, man? It’s time.