As the slackers take a week off from podcasting, some of us still have to work. I’m not sure if you can call what I do work considering I don’t get paid and it basically consists of me sitting down for a few hours and typing whatever odd thoughts seep out of my brain. But for the sake of me feeling a sense of accomplishment, work we shall call it.
What in the living hell are we going to talk about? I’m no fan whatsoever of offseason, hot stove talk. I find it mundane. My hell consists of having to watch NFL Live on ESPN at 3pm on a Tuesday in April followed by listening to Jim Hunter host an Orioles hot stove show during the winter. I’ll leave it to Jason and Jerry to give you everything that you could ever hope and dream of when it comes to offseason speculation and assessment of the Ravens and the Orioles. I will say that I wasn’t too excited to learn that the Ravens are sticking to status quo when it comes to the coaching staff. I’m cool with Johnny Harbs staying but I was really hoping that the Ravens would bring in a fresh offensive mind for the Offensive Coordinator job. It doesn’t get me hard thinking about another season watching Marty Mornhinweg’s offense. But I’m almost 30 and getting hard doesn’t happen quite as frequently as it used to anyway. That might have more to do with my anti-depresents and poor diet than the Ravens offensive woes. Marty is physically sexy and all but his football mind doesn’t quite get the blood flowing. Whatever. The Ravens are still my pick to win the Super Bowl next season. You heard it here first, and this also might be the only place you hear it. I’m my own man.
It is fortunately hockey season and that does get me excited. I know many in the Baltimore area aren’t huge hockey fans but you should get on board because the Caps are winning the cup this year. Alex Ovechkin is having an MVP type season and the Caps have a more youthful, fast team this year, which hopefully is recipe for success in the playoffs. I know it’s a running theme that the Caps choke every year in the playoffs but I’m optimistic, as always, that this year will be different. I love nothing more than to get my hopes all the way up only to be heartbroken every year. It’s a fun exercise that is a microcosm of the human experience. When I was a kid I would get really excited for the Easter Bunny to come but he would always just leave me pencils and maxi pads. I just can’t wait to see Ovi bring the Cup to Moscow and hoist it as he rides around shirtless on horses with Vladimir Putin. That will certainly get the blood flowing. I also can’t wait until the Caps go to the White House and watch Tom Wilson drop the gloves with Donald Trump.
Donald Trump sure is a piece of dog shit, huh?
Ok, so what is next? The college football national championship was a pretty sweet game. I personally enjoyed it because I bet on Georgia to cover 3.5 and, by golly, they did. I hardly ever bet on sports but I had no rooting interest in this game and I recently got some money for Christmas so I decided, what better way to spend it than betting on a game that I don’t really give a shit about. I’m glad I bet on the game though because it gave me a reason to watch it and it turned out to be a great game. The one big question I came out of that game with was, will the Alabama kicker be happy and think back fondly on this night? I mean good christ, what a total disaster of game for that dude. I guess he is relieved they won but nearly every question posed to an Alabama player or coach after the game basically implied that they won in spite of the kicker. I heard one reporter ask Nick Saban, ” Do you think the kicker should get his right leg amputated and then have it shoved up his ass only to be retrieved by a crocodile.” Saban responded, ” I hadn’t thought of that one yet but we will give any and all punishments serious considerations.” Imagine the range of feelings that dude must have had. Your team wins the National Championship but you couldn’t possibly have had a worse showing in front of tens of millions of people. It’d be like if there was a brand new amusement park and you were the designer of one of the roller coasters. During the grand opening, the amusement park sets a world record for the number of guests and everyone has an amazing time. Towards the end of the day, your roller coaster collapses and 20 people are crushed to death by the steel. After that, the amusement park gives all remaining living guests free beer and concessions in an effort to keep the grand opening moving in a positive direction. It works! Everyone, except those who were crushed, has an amazing day. Overall it was a giant success for the amusement park and you are a part of the team but you were also responsible for the slaughter of 20 innocents. Are you happy? Is it bittersweet? Or did your poor performance overshadow the success of the whole leaving you embarrased and melancholy? Only Andy Pappanastos can tell us. But he would probably not be honest and just say, ” I am happy because the team won and blah blah blah.” But if someone could sneak into his dorm room and find his personal journal I’d bet we’d start finding out some real answers.
It’s the New Year and resolutions are usually a waste of time and forgotten after one half assed month of trying. But my news years resolution this year is to think of cool resolutions that I’d actually have a chance at keeping up for awhile. Here are some.
- Buy a furry costume and experiment.
- Drink slightly more expensive boxed wine. Time to be a grown up.
- Call 911 less often.
- Cut down on time spent at playgrounds.
- Do ten pushups for every time I feel guilty about something I’ve done in my past.
- Plant a flower and watch it blossom into a beautiful grown up flower.
- Play 36 holes in one day. Golf that is.
- Eat an entire Jolly Rancher without biting it. Just suck on it until it’s no more.
- Avoid tearing the ACL in my third leg.
- Use more moisturizer. I only get one set of skin. Take care of it. Nurture it. Massage it. Glow.
- Watch more sporting events. Three per night isn’t cutting it.
- Find a way to smuggle drugs into a prison. Don’t actually smuggle the drugs. Just figure out how.
- Become best friends with Joe Flacco. It’s time. It’s been time.
- Find effective ways to troll Jim Tyler.
- Cover Jim Tyler in Honey Cup Mustard.
- Go All The Way Up.
- Be more aware of the state of my cuticles.
- Eat cheese on a yacht. Because of the implications.
- Find Baltimore’s best Chicken Parm.
- Be the best Adam Fink that I can be.
Also, call my Dad, Bruce Fink, at 410-868-4040 if you want to sell your house. The man is an animal when it comes to real estate. For 43 years he has been in the business and he is the Mac Daddy. He is a combination of Lexington Steele and Dave Matthews. Hit him up at firstname.lastname@example.org.