Spring Training is upon us! My favorite time of the year to listen to sports radio to hear the idiot callers complain about how the Orioles lost to the Reds 7-3 in a B team scrimmage, therefore they have no depth and have no chance at winning more than 60 games. It’s overreaction season and it’s quite entertaining. A couple of years ago, the Orioles lost their first ten games of spring training and sports radio was losing its freaking mind. ‘Buck has lost dees guys, they can’t even win a game down ere spring, how day gonna beat dem yankees?” Or another caller, ‘I paid good money to fly my mistress and my dying son down ere Sarasota, and his last wish was to see Chris Davis play ball. Chris Davis ain’t even play and now my son is deader den a snitch on the police force.’ Well sir, I’m sorry about your son but maybe you should have taken his mother on the final trip instead of your son’s third grade teacher who you have been, ‘ meeting with to discuss how to make his last year in school comfortable. ‘It’s not Chris Davis’ fault that your son’s dying wish was to see him take third strikes. It’s not Chris Davis’ fault that you had been putting a tablespoon of antifreeze in all of your son’s Gatorades for the last 5 months. It’s your fault for thinking that spring training is about anything else but getting ready for opening day.
Wins and loses in spring training are as meaningless as a promise ring. Did any of you ever mess with promise rings? My high school girlfriend wanted a ring after we had been dating for a year. A promise ring. I had absolutely no intention of promising her anything but recent months had been rough after this psycho born-again Christian, no-sex-having, destroyer of dreams Jason Evert had come to my girlfriend’s school to spew some nonsense about how women shouldn’t have sex with men until they were married because they should be gifts to their husband. Some real sexist mumbo jumbo. Turns out, my girlfriend was easily brainwashed and decided that we were no longer going to have sex. That’s not an easy situation for a 17-year-old dude who for the last six months had realized the true reason for being on this planet. A week before this human chastity belt ruined my sex life, he came to my high school and preached the same baloney.I went to Mount Saint Joe. Coming to an all boys high school and preaching abstinence is about as effective as Mark Turgeon’s offense. I had heard his whole spiel already so when my girlfriend approached me with his pamphlet, I handled it like the man that Mount Saint Joe was molding me into. I grabbed it and tore it to shreds. She got mad and rode her motorcycle home, without a helmet. So to bring this story full circle, I spent 150 bucks of my parents’ hard earned money and got her the promise ring hoping it was more convincing than Evert. We broke up about 6 months later but, let me tell you, that was a well-spent 150 bucks. Wins and loses in spring training are as meaningful as a promise ring.
I am excited for baseball season to start. Working on this podcast has made it difficult to retain the unbridled optimism that I usually hold for upcoming Orioles’ seasons. Jason and Jerry are the grim reapers of hope for the 2018 Baltimore Orioles. Their concerns are obviously merited but I like to throw all logic and concern to the wind and imagine the perfect scenario playing out. It is only February 27th, but here are some early predictions for the 2018 Baltimore Orioles’ season.
- Mark Trumbo will smile exactly twice in the first half of the season.
- Jonathan Schoop will not stop smiling, ever. Not even Jason Evert could turn down that smile.
- The club house guys will continue to shower together under one shower head as to not waste hot water for the big leaguers.
- Buck Showalter will continue to order two of everything from the postgame menu, make someone bring it to him and only eat a third of it.
- Adam Jones will hit between 25-30 homers, hit in the .280’s and drive in 75-90 runs. Duh.
- Manny Machado will do the Marshawn Lynch “HMD,” pose as he rounds the bases after a long dong salami in Fenway.
- Jim Tyler’s 30 Cokes per day diet will nearly kill him again, but because of his roach-like tendencies, he will survive and live another 30 years torturing this earth with misery that has yet to be matched by another living organism.
- Adam Jones will be driving home and look in his rearview mirror and think, “holy shit, is that Coleman following me again,” at least 17 times throughout the season.
- My girlfriend will sit for the national anthem at Oriole Park and get yelled at by some hillbilly who has fewer teeth than fingers. She will not do this out of protest. She will simply not be able to stand after three hours of pregaming at Pickles.
- My friend Pat will nearly get in a fight with four different Red Sox fans on four different occasions.
- Jim Hunter will be absolutely unbearable to listen to and Mike Bordick will all remind us of our childhood bedtime stories, putting us right to sleep but in a creepy uncle sort of way.
- Jason La Canfora will get thousands of angry tweets from Orioles’ fans.
- I will join the 300 club. Think the ‘mile high club,’ but the upper deck at Oriole Park.
- Tim Beckham will bat flip the hell out of some singles. Do you, Tim. Do you.
- Kevin Guasman will continue to be confused as to whether he is a nerd, a hipster, or a bad ass. He’s probably none of the above; just a gentle soul that likes Rom-Com’s and Root Beer. Find yourself Kev.
- Buck Showalter and Dan Duquette will be seen riding a carousel together, holding hands. They will then share a large soda and a soft pretzel while playing whack-a-mole. Dan will end up giving all of his arcade tickets away for nothing in return. They will leave separately.
- Mark Trumbo will smile three times in the second half of the season. He will also say zero interesting things ever.
- A bunch of Jason Evert types will bitch about Chris Davis’ giant dippers. He’s a grown up and likes to dip. Get over it. Dipping is a wonderful habit that I fully endorse. Go get yourself a tin and try it out. Dip on, big fella.
- Chris Davis will ‘quit dip,’ for 4 days in May and then realize he can’t focus without it. He will then come back strong with bigger lips than ever before.
- I will spend way too much money on beer at Oriole Park. Way too much money. There is nothing better than a beautiful summer night at the yard, with a strong buzz, watching baseball. Even if it costs me 60 bucks to get said buzz.
- Manny Machado will get traded at the deadline but Jonathan Schoop will jump in his car and speed and weave through traffic getting to the airport five minutes before Manny’s flight is supposed to take off. He will bulldoze his way through TSA’s finest and frantically look up at the departure board to find out which gate Manny is leaving from. B12. He will sprint to B12 as Bobby Dickerson gives him the stop sign, but Schoopy ain’t stopping. Manny is just about to enter the tunnel to his plane when he stops to turn around one last time in hopes that someone will be there. Schoopy is there. They lock eyes. The whole airport stands silently watching. Schoopy, fighting back tears and beads of sweat pouring down his face, “Manny, me amor. No te vayas. Por Favor!!!! No te vayas.” Manny will look at him and exclaim, ” ohh mi, amor. Nunca te dejaria.” Manny will drop his bags and run over to Schoopy and they will have an embrace for the ages. The whole airport will erupt in cheers or more realistically everyone will have their phones out filming it voiding the entire situation of any true human emotion. Regardless, Rob Manfred will see the video of these two remarkable humans with unconditional love for each other and immediately veto the trade. He will allocate the Orioles organization any resources necessary to secure Manny and Schoopy for the rest of their careers. Humanity is saved. Love wins.
- Orioles will beat the Dodgers four games to two to win the World Series.
- Jason Evert will die and no one will care but I’ll crack open a mini bottle of Andre and think of how I thwarted that morons plan.
Editors note: Some of the Spanish in this article is a direct result of Google’s English to Spanish translator. If you speak Spanish and the wording or grammar is incorrect, do not blame the author of this article. Google is to be trusted and if they betrayed that trust, ask them for an apology. Happy reading!
PS: Tiger is Back!