As the slackers take a week off from podcasting, some of us still have to work. I’m not sure if you can call what I do work considering I don’t get paid and it basically consists of me sitting down for a few hours and typing whatever odd thoughts seep out of my brain. But for the sake of me feeling a sense of accomplishment, work we shall call it.Continue Reading …
Everything sucks. Listen to me kids; all of your dreams are too far away. As you get older they drift further and further out of reach as you sit back and drunkenly escort them into the safety of the abyss. Just when you think that everything is starting to go your way, your dog will get cancer or your favorite teacher will end up making you come after class and ask you to sit on his lap. That’s the way of this cruel world.Continue Reading …
Would you rather be a Browns’ fan or have to cut Donald Trump’s toenails with your teeth for three hours every Sunday after he played a round of golf? Both have their perks. If you are a Browns fan and you get too drunk at the game and puke in your seat, you could easily pass it off as a natural reaction to watching DeShone Kizer play quarterback. If you cut Donald Trumps toenails with your teeth every Sunday for three hours after he played a round of golf, you would certainly get pretty good at cutting toenails with your teeth and probably would no longer be afraid of spiders or mice. Win, Win. If only there was a way where you could go to the Browns’ game, puke in your seat, and then get to the course in time to greet Donnie in the clubhouse just as he was taking off his shoes. Continue Reading …
This past week has been a bittersweet journey for me. Let’s start with the bitter. As if I need further proof that there isn’t a God, it appears as if I have torn my left ACL. If God were real he would never put such a kind, gentle, handsome, loving soul through a second ACL tear in three years. With all the good that is going on in this world it is just impossible to fathom that God would pick on me when he is shedding such light on the rest of his clan. It just doesn’t add up. There are children everywhere being fed to their weakening hearts content and here I am with two bad knees at the age of 29. All I wanted to do was play some good old beach volleyball in Mexico at an all-inclusive resort but even that was taken away from me. What do I have left? God, if you are up there, which you aren’t, could you please start picking on other people. They can spare some of their good fortune for Christ sakes.Continue Reading …
Bye weeks suck. I know the Ravens haven’t been much fun to watch lately but not having a game to look forward to all week and then spending my Sunday watching other ass games that I don’t care about is even worse. You might say, ‘Hey, Adam, you incredibly hot, sex symbol of the Baltimore sports blogging world, you know you don’t have to watch the games on Sunday. Go out into the world and strut your stuff big boy, and feel the lushness of freedom beaming down on you like a steaming shower of Ramen noodles.’ I would respond, ” First of all, thank you. Second of all, I will not heed your advice. I will waste away in a dark, cold room sucking down beer and munching on Tostitos as I watch the end of the Jaguars, Chargers game that CBS takes off the air as it goes into overtime. I will switch to the whiskey and graham crackers as I watch the Giants take on the 49ers in a game that only the Browns could be proud of. And it will be all boxed red wine and Twizzlers for the night cap as I toast to Brock Osweiler, Denver’s prodigal son.”Continue Reading …
I woke up on Sunday morning, as usual, with a feeling of excitement and optimism. I was ready for the Ravens’ game in Nashville, a scenario that has produced some of my all time favorite games. Waking up on Ravens’ gamedays still makes me feel like a kid on Christmas. Well, it makes me feel like most kids felt on Christmas. When I woke up on Christmas morning as a kid, I had to go steal three dollars from my neighbor so I could take the bus downtown and look for my parents who were usually passed out, half naked under the JFX. But, anyway, there is just something magical about waking up on Sunday mornings during football season and anxiously awaiting the game. And then they kickoff. And then I wonder why in the hell I was ever excited about this damn game in the first place. The Ravens are no longer fun to watch. Not even a little bit. I love the Ravens and I will continue to watch each Sunday, hoping that something clicks and everything changes but holy hell. There is something missing from this team. I’m not sure if it’s strictly personnel, a lack of creativity or a stubbornness to change and adapt to what the league has become, but whatever is missing, it’s glaring.Continue Reading …
Athletes and coaches can be nauseating to listen to as they spew cliché after cliché and avoid anything that could ever be confused for interesting. It’s frustrating as a fan and I can only imagine how mundane it must get for guys like Jason and Jerry who cover these guys. I’m sure they both hear coaches saying, ” if we play our game, stick to the game plan and execute for 60 minutes, I like our chances, ” in their nightmares. That’s why Jerry and Jason’s interview with Buck Showalter was so refreshing. Buck was engaged, honest, enlightening, and entertaining. He spoke with few reservations about where the Orioles’ organization needs to improve and what he thinks about some of the personnel decisions that have been made in recent years.
My favorite part about listening to Buck is his absolute obsession with all things related to baseball. I think if somehow baseball suddenly ceased to exist, Buck would just wonder out into some vast field and blindly stare into the distance until he melted into the abyss. He is constantly thinking about ways to improve the team, the league and the game in general. He told the guys that soon he will be headed to the Competition Committee meetings in Orlando but thinks that he might not be invited back saying, ” Let’s put it this way, Jerry, there’s a chance I won’t be on that but once. I’m a little too opinionated about some things.” It’d be great to be a fly on the wall in those meetings and hear Buck speak his mind about changes he would make.
As an Oriole fan, listening to this interview was both encouraging and discouraging at the same time. The encouragement came from Buck’s passion and dedication to improving the team and the organization. When Jerry asked Buck whether the team should be rebuilding or retooling Buck quickly cut him off and said, ” You should always be doing both.” I loved this answer as a fan because it implies that Buck feels like you can still compete while trying to improve the future of the organization. There is no need to concede a poor season or two while trying to, “rebuild.” At the same time, plugging temporary holes with average major league talent and overpaying for the top players in the market won’t bring sustained success. An organization, especially in a smaller market, must develop from within to succeed. Buck alluded to this when the guys presented him a question about the starting rotation going forward and the amount of money the organization is willing to spend. ” First of all, that’s an excuse, that’s a bad road to go down,” he said, speaking about the Orioles lack of funds compared to big market teams. ” We have to develop our own guys…It puts a premium on developing your own pitchers.” I realize that this isn’t revolutionary but it was good to hear Buck so readily admit that this isn’t something the Orioles have done well recently. He didn’t dance around it and say, ‘ the process will work itself out,’ or something meaningless like that.
Buck does seem optimistic about the young position player prospects in the organization. Jason and Jerry have been harping on this for a long time now, repeatedly saying that the Orioles’ farm system is not nearly as sparse of talent as many in the national media believe. Buck mentioned Austin Hayes, Cedric Mullins, Anthony Santander and DJ Stewart in the OF and catcher Austin Wynns implying that all had a chance to be on the big league club next year. With the Orioles revolving door at the corner outfield positions in the last couple years, it’s an exciting proposition that a couple young guys could come up and take the reigns.
While the whole interview was great, the most interesting turn came at the very end. The guys were wrapping things up, thanking Buck for his time and saying that while they are critical at times they are Oriole fans through and through. Buck then kind of shocked us all by asking, ” what’s your biggest beef?” The feeling in the room changed as the guys were presented with an opportunity to tell Buck Showalter what their biggest beef with the Orioles’ organization was. I got slightly nervous and excited even though I didn’t have a mic or have anything to do with the interview. This was a moment that could have gone a few different ways. It’s not always comfortable to tell someone what you think is wrong with something that they are at least partially responsible for. If you listen, you can hear Jason take a slight pause and make a noise that represented, ‘ I really want to say this but I’m not sure how he’ll take it but I have to take this opportunity so here it goes.’ I think a psychologist might tell you that Buck was hoping that Jason and Jerry’s criticisms of the Orioles would coincide with his own so he would have a brief opportunity to express his frustrations. Well, ladies and gentleman, I think Buck got his wish.
I mentioned the interview being discouraging and well as encouraging. This was the discouraging part. I got the feeling that, if only Buck had gotten his way or had more influence with some of the moves made, especially those involving young starting pitching prospects, the organization might be in a much more positive position. When Jason relayed to Buck his “biggest beef,” Buck’s response was sobering. Go ahead and listen for yourself.
As I was watching the Ravens play the Vikings on Sunday, I started to do the math. If we are going by average life expectancy I have about 45-50 years left on this earth. That is between 16,425 and 18,250 days, which further breaks down to 394,200 to 438,00 hours. (I could also walk outside of my house tomorrow and get impaled by a falling tree branch but we are going to talk best-case scenario.) I asked myself, do I really want to spend three of my 400,000 remaining hours watching this team play football? I thought about all of the other ways I could spend a Sunday afternoon. I could go to one of those really long Baptist church services and watch people pretend to faint when the preacher touches them. I could go pick apples with my girlfriend. I could exercise. I could go volunteer and help the less fortunate. I could go visit my grandparent’s graves. I could do a puzzle or build a Lego castle. After considering all of these options, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, took a swig of my beer and said to myself, ” This game isn’t so bad. Let’s go Ravens.”Continue Reading …
As I am writing this the Red Sox season has just ended. Watching soaking wet Sox fans sadly and quietly empty out of Fenway Park for the last time this season gives me a moderate feeling of satisfaction. Other fans misery, especially really annoying fans, brings me joy. Joy is elusive, so however I can get it, I won’t argue with my brain. There was this kid in my middle school who always pulled the chair out from under other kids and would randomly come up from behind people and kick the back of their legs really hard. We will call him Craig. One day, the class was on a field trip to the dumb ass Science Center. We were having lunch when all of a sudden Craig started choking on a Friendly’s hotdog. He fell out of his chair while he was flailing around looking like a total spaz. One of the chaperones went over to him and did the Heimlich maneuver on Craig. Fortunately for Craig, it worked and the piece of hotdog flew out of his mouth.Unfortunately for Craig, he peed himself while all of this was happening. This brought me joy. The Red Sox fans leaving Fenway today reminded me of Craig.Continue Reading …
Is it possible to write a Baltimore sports blog without mentioning the baseball and football team? I could write about the upcoming Blast season but I’m not sure when that starts, if it already started, if they are still a team, or if it’s even legal to write about indoor soccer. So, that’s not going to work. I think the Bayhawks are still a thing. I’m not sure why or how but according to Google, they exist and there is still a functioning professional lacrosse league in the world. But I’d rather eat my own dog than write another word about professional lacrosse and I quite like my dog so that idea is out. Damnit.
Sunday’s game was miserable. The day started with such promise. I woke up early and walked outside to find a crisp fall morning that felt like football. It was October 1st, the Steelers were in town with first place on the line, I was on my way to tailgate, all was right with the world. By 5pm, I was drunk, broke, sunburned (only on the right side of my face), had some bad indigestion, was questioning my life trajectory and was physically ill from watching the Ravens offense attempt, but miserably fail, to function at any level resembling an NFL team. The day was basically a metaphor for my twenties. I started with such promise and enthusiasm and I’m closing them out being a bitter, out of shape, self loathing waiter/sports blogging intern. And holy hell do I hate Steelers fans. Has anyone ever seen an attractive Steelers fan? I’m not judging people solely on their looks ( Steelers fans have horrendous personalities as well) but seriously, has anyone ever seen a Steelers fan and dreamt of being between the sheets rolling around blissfully on a cool weekend morning? I don’t think so. When I see a Steelers fan I usually either fantasize about framing them for murder or I estimate how many bratwursts they could eat while they are on the toilet. Sometimes both. Sometimes I think of ways to frame them in a toilet, brat related murder. It’s a fun game that I highly recommend.
For all of you Ravens’ fans that booed the team when they knelt for a prayer before the national anthem, well done. You are all brilliant, woke, pillars of society. I’m going to follow your lead and start booing everyone I see that is either kneeling or praying. Look, I don’t mind a good prayer booing every once in awhile and I’m no fan of kneeling because it’s quite uncomfortable so I do understand, somewhat. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s not why you were booing. It was a really good representation of the city so I’m very proud of all of you. I’m pretty sure Steelers’ fans don’t want to make babies with you guys either. Thank god. A baby with the looks of a Steelers’ fan and the intelligent social awareness of some Ravens’ fans couldn’t possibly contribute much to society. Best case scenario they could grow up to be president.
I still have hope for this Ravens’ season. I’m not sure why and I can’t really attempt to convince anyone to join me in still believing but it’s only been four games. There is still time for this offense to figure something out. Or, there could be 12 more games that resemble the last two weeks which sounds as appealing to watch as a mother duck giving birth into the mouth of an alligator. I guess some people might be into stuff like that. No judgement here. I’m into some really weird stuff too. For example, I put salt in my toothpaste before brushing.
The Orioles’ season mercifully came to an end on Sunday. September was a complete disaster for the birds going 7-20 in the month and finishing in last place in the A.L. East. I can’t really think of many, if any positives from this season. Obviously Schoopy had a great year, but that’s about where it ends. I’m not sure what the offseason will look like of for the birds but clearly, in the most obvious statement of the year, the O’s need some new humans on the team that can throw the ball from 60 feet 6 inches resulting in the other team’s players being retired and not scoring as many runs. Regardless, I’ll be there on opening day next year excited for a new season of baseball. Maybe the Orioles can resign Ubaldo for two more years because according to Jim Hunter’s brilliant theory of, ” the law of averages,” Ubaldo is due for two straight Cy Young’s. God, Jim Hunter is awful. No matter how badly the Orioles’ season goes, he is always the least valuable member of the organization. I’d rather listen to Gary Thorne drunkenly call a can of corn, that dies in front of the warning track, a home run any day.
My homework for this week was to write some type of “Ode,” to Jerry for his 50th birthday. I’ve only known Jerry for a couple of months so I’m not sure what happened in the 49 previous years but if I know one thing, he loves a clean carpet. This is not a sexual reference, at least I don’t mean for it to be. He is just literally obsessed with the carpet in his house being clean. The first time I went to his house he had a post-it note on the front door requesting to remove your shoes upon entrance if they were not completely clean. If that wasn’t enough, he had another post-it note on the bottom stair leading up to his first floor requesting the same. Luckily my shoes were clean because I don’t think the guys would have liked to smell my feet for the two hours while recording the show. Jerry also freaked out at Jason for eating a cookie at his house because he possibly could have gotten a crumb on the floor. He also made Danny eat a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich over the sink. Just like I have stories from inside the Orioles’ locker room, I have stories from inside the BMore Opinionated podcast recordings. The guys did not make me sign a non-disclosure agreement so if you want any inside info, just ask. Maybe you can give me 20 bucks for info and I’ll let you have a boomboom t-shirt as a prize.
“Ode To Coleman.”
Jerry is fifty, that’s pretty old,
So here’s a poem before he goes stiff and cold,
Jerry always knows the scoop,
Jerry follows John Harbaugh into the bathroom when he poops,
Jerry works with Rob and Ed,
Unlike them, Jerry has a normal-ish sized head,
I’ve heard Jerry doesn’t like to pay,
If you are lost, call Jerry, He’s The Lantern and will guide the way,
Jerry is friends with Adam Jones,
They share laughs, hugs, pies and talk all night on the phone,
Jerry got called out on Pardon My Take,
Jerry, clean your dining room table for God sakes,
Jerry knows his Baltimore sports,
I’m not positive but if I had to guess, Jerry used to wear Jorts,
Happy birthday Jerry, and here’s to 50 more,
You are the best boss an intern could ask for,
I hope you like your birthday rhyme,
When are you going to start paying me, man? It’s time.