I woke up early Sunday morning excited to have a few morning beers and breakfast with the family as we watched the Ravens have the awesome opportunity to play at Wembley stadium. But, once the national anthem started and I saw a large portion of the Ravens team doing the disgusting act of exercising their right to protest inequality and our nation’s “leader,” calling their mothers “bitches”, I immediately turned off the TV, spit my beer out, yelled at my mom for the eggs being cold, called Comcast and told them to remove all channels from my cable plan that show the NFL, put my PSL on Craigslist, took off my Ravens jersey, peed on it, tried to poop on it but I had too much dairy the night before, called my congressman, went outside and angrily glared at my black neighbor’s house, went to Facebook to post articles penned by Ex-military personnel that I’ve never met, and finally got completely naked and wrapped myself in my silky, slightly tattered American flag and wept until there were no tears left.
To be honest, I kind of wish I had at least turned the TV off. I could have gone apple picking or lit my face on fire instead. That game sucked in every way possible. There isn’t much to discuss. I’d say that I’m glad I didn’t go to London to witness that atrocity, but I’m sure Ravens fans that made the trip had a lot more fun than I did this week while waiting tables for grumpy, old farts that swore the kitchen must have made a mistake and put mayo on their pancakes because that’s all they could taste. The Ravens did absolutely nothing right. The defense,that looked so dominant the first two weeks, let Blake Bortles throw for four touchdown while barely getting touched and the gave up 161 on the ground. The offense…holy pregnant goat…the offense. The best play of the game for the Ravens was the opening kickoff when the Jags’ kicker kicked the ball out of bounds. There was hope at that point. It didn’t last long. By the time I was on my fourth mimosa, the Ravens were already down two scores. By the time I was on my tenth, the first quarter was over. The good news is, everyone else in the AFC North lost and the Ravens are still in first place as they host the Steelers next week. Hopefully they can burn the film and move on. If the Ravens can beat Pittsburgh next week, we can all forget about the trip to London. Well, except for those who are no longer watching the team play. You will always remember the day the Ravens lost you forever. You can tell your grandkids all about the time you stopped watching your favorite football team play because some of your fellow citizens protested injustices and found themselves somewhere between standing and sitting for two minutes. I’m sure they’ll understand.
The Orioles apparently played a series against Tampa this weekend. It was nice to hear that J.J. got a warm reception and hit a homer in probably his last game in Camden Yards as an Oriole. J.J. has been a very important piece to the Orioles resurgence. J.J. was an extremely reliable, gold glover at short, a steadying influence for Manny and Schoopy and a guy who had a lot of pop in his bat in his first few seasons as an Oriole. Unfortunately after he signed his contract extension he has been plagued by injuries and seemingly lost most of his power at the plate. Overall, I’m sure most Orioles fans will look back on his tenure in a very positive light. When his left hand slid over the outside of the plate in the bottom of the 8th in game two of the 2014 ALDS, miraculously scoring from first and giving the O’s the lead on Delmon Young’s three run double, he became a key piece in my favorite baseball play of my life. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. I’ve also seem him naked. More goosebumps.
In other news, it’s almost hockey season again. It feels like yesterday that the Caps were ripping my heart out for the 9th straight year, laying an egg in game 7 against the Penguins. I remember my Dad texting me as time expired saying, That’s the last time I get emotionally involved with this team.” I responded, “Yeah me too, until October.” Well here we are. Almost there. The masochist part of my brain is getting really excited. Could this be the year? Where there is hope there is utter despair. That’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. Donald Trump recently announced via twitter (obviously) that the Penguins, unlike the Warriors, are accepting his invitation to the While House to be honored for winning the Stanley Cup. I’m sure Donnie and Evgeni Malkin can swap stories of being showered with golden devotion while in the Motherland.