As I am writing this the Red Sox season has just ended. Watching soaking wet Sox fans sadly and quietly empty out of Fenway Park for the last time this season gives me a moderate feeling of satisfaction. Other fans misery, especially really annoying fans, brings me joy. Joy is elusive, so however I can get it, I won’t argue with my brain. There was this kid in my middle school who always pulled the chair out from under other kids and would randomly come up from behind people and kick the back of their legs really hard. We will call him Craig. One day, the class was on a field trip to the dumb ass Science Center. We were having lunch when all of a sudden Craig started choking on a Friendly’s hotdog. He fell out of his chair while he was flailing around looking like a total spaz. One of the chaperones went over to him and did the Heimlich maneuver on Craig. Fortunately for Craig, it worked and the piece of hotdog flew out of his mouth.Unfortunately for Craig, he peed himself while all of this was happening. This brought me joy. The Red Sox fans leaving Fenway today reminded me of Craig.
That was a pleasant trip out West for the Ravens. When Joe hit Mike Wallace for 52 yards on the games first play from scrimmage, you could feel a giant sense of relief from the entire Ravens offense. Or maybe I was just feeling a sense of relief that possibly I didn’t have to suffer through another four quarters of excruciatingly painful viewing.Who knows? But that play set the tone for a much needed, solid offensive performance from the Ravens. Joe was good on Sunday going 19/26 for 222. He ended his ten game interception streak, which was a recent favorite talking point for the Flacco haters, who are generally really awesome people who I would definitely not laugh at as they choked to death on a hotdog. People who constantly talk about how they wish Joe would be benched join people who call Ray Lewis a murderer on the, “Humans almost as insufferable as Jim Tyler,” list that I keep on my refrigerator. I like to look at it every morning to remind myself even though some days I don’t like myself, I’m still better than those listed. It’s another tactic suggested by my therapist to improve self-esteem. She always tells me, “Adam, you aren’t the best, but you’re not the worst either.” Also listed : Jim Hunter, Slow golfers, The assistant lady at the doctors office who weighs me and takes my blood pressure and is shocked at how high both are every time, Debt collectors.
Please help me add to my list by sending suggestions to @finkerstinker on twitter
You have to like what you’ve seen from Alex Collins. When he holds on to the ball he seems like he could be a force. He reminds me a lot of Marshawn Lynch and no, not just because of the hair. He’s a physical runner that is hard to bring down and often gets three or four extra yards after being initially wrapped up. He also has explosive and illusive playmaking ability. Obviously the fumbling is a concern but he didn’t put the ball on the ground this week so that’s a start. The Ravens were able to put together some long, clock killing drives in the second half that iced the game behind Collins and Buck Allen. The O-line somehow played a solid game as they were able to get a decent push in the run game and even though Joe got pummeled a few times, the Raiders didn’t record a sack. Ok enough of the boring crap that anyone who watched the game already knows.
What a start to the season for Alex Ovechkin! Seven goals in two games. I was talking to a friend of mine about Ovi’s torrid start and he had to crush all of my excitement by simply saying, ” It really makes no difference.” Damnit. This is what it has come to as a Caps’ fan. Your all-time favorite Cap and one of the greatest hockey players of all time scores back to back hat tricks to start the season (first time in 100 years a player has done that) and the sentiment is, ‘who cares, they’ll blow it in April.’ It’s hard to argue this way of thinking but isn’t that the same as saying, who cares what you do in your life, you die at the end? Maybe this is true. Maybe nothing matters at all. But l’m going to take the positive route for once and say, Ovi’s seven goals in two games matter. And just same, my first, brutally awkward, sloppy as hell, amazing beautiful French kiss at a middle school Catholic dance matters, even though I’ll die one day and no-one else will ever remember. Maybe the girl remembers. I’m sure it haunts her to this day.
My homework assignment this week was to get to know Coleman a little better by learning about his all- time least favorite athletes. Most people’s list of all-time least favorite athletes consists of players that are rivals with their favorite teams. For example, my list would consist of Hines Ward, Tom Brady, Sidney Crosby etc. Jerry has a different approach when it comes to his least favorite athletes. Jerry’s list consists of athletes that have personally wronged him. Obviously Jerry’s profession gives him the opportunity to be up close and personal with many more athletes than the average person for better or worse. Here are some of Jerry’s least favorite athletes that he too has a list of on his fridge.
1.Culprit : Mike Schmidt
Crime- Sending child Jerry forged autographs.
Jerry told me that when he was a kid he sent Mike Schmidt some memorabilia to sign. Apparently, Mike Schmidt sent them back with what child Jerry thought were Schmidt’s signatures. Later Jerry had an official autograph verifier guy look at the autographs and he determined they were forged. This does seem like a reasonable gripe if true. However, it sounds like the time I sent a letter to the Easter Bunny requesting more gummy based candy rather than chocolate in my next basket. I got a letter back about a week later saying that I could only have that candy if I ate my mom’s yummy steamed broccoli three times a week signed by the Easter Bunny. I later found out that the letter was forged too and I didn’t even need an official autograph tester man to test it.
2. Culprit : Cam Netwon
Crime: Refusing Jerry a picture and having his, “goons,” forcefully restrict Jerry from obtaining said picture.
Jerry was at Preakness a few years back when he saw Cam Newton coming out of the Under Armour tent. Jerry, doing his job as a journalist, tried to photograph Cam. Apparently it wasn’t recieved well by Cam or his, “goons.” Cam refused and according to Jerry, his bodyguards, “put their hands on,” Jerry to restrict him from taking Cam’s picture. Jerry and Cam apparently had some words. I have to agree with Jerry here that Cam was out of his mind if he didn’t expect people to attempt to take his picture at a public event with tens of thousands of humans. Maybe Cam doesn’t like when male reporters take his picture. What a sexist.
3. Culprit: High School Lebron James
Crime: Blowing off Jerry for an interview at Jewish Community Center
While Lebron was still in high school, for a reason unknown to me, he was playing basketball at the Rockville Jewish Community Center and the Lantern caught wind of this and went to interview Lebron. Apparently Lebron completely blew off Jerry for an interview and when Jerry confronted Lebron, Lebron’s bodyguards and Lebron had a shouting match with Jerry. Jerry does not seem to get a long with bodyguards. I’m no fan whatsoever of Lebron and think he is a total phony so I totally on Jerry’s side with Jerry and will rule Lebron guilty of being an entitled tool. However, this story does involve Jerry having a shouting match with a high schooler. It was Lebron James, but still…
4. Culprit: B.J. Surhoff
Crime: Being a bad person
Jerry hates B.J. Surhoff. I could feel it in his voice when he was talking about him. Jerry had to cover B.J. for a number of years and apparently Jerry didn’t see him smile once. According to Jerry, B.J. constantly mocked the reporters and their questions and had no respect for the job they were trying to do. Jerry refers to B.J. as a total bust as he was the number one pick in MLB draft and only amounted to an “average or below average,” player. I reached out to B.J. for comment but apparently he was keeping his mouth shut on this one.