As I was watching the Ravens play the Vikings on Sunday, I started to do the math. If we are going by average life expectancy I have about 45-50 years left on this earth. That is between 16,425 and 18,250 days, which further breaks down to 394,200 to 438,00 hours. (I could also walk outside of my house tomorrow and get impaled by a falling tree branch but we are going to talk best-case scenario.) I asked myself, do I really want to spend three of my 400,000 remaining hours watching this team play football? I thought about all of the other ways I could spend a Sunday afternoon. I could go to one of those really long Baptist church services and watch people pretend to faint when the preacher touches them. I could go pick apples with my girlfriend. I could exercise. I could go volunteer and help the less fortunate. I could go visit my grandparent’s graves. I could do a puzzle or build a Lego castle. After considering all of these options, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, took a swig of my beer and said to myself, ” This game isn’t so bad. Let’s go Ravens.”
The truth is, it’s pretty hard to watch this team play football at the moment. This is some of the worst offense I can ever remember seeing. It’s hard to expect much else when you basically have a third string offensive line, Chris Moore and Michael Campanaro as your top receiving threats, and the excessively less than brilliant offensive mind of Marty Mornhinweg calling the plays. If I were Joe Flacco I would seriously consider retiring at this exact moment because what is the point of risking death once a week and having absolutely no fun in the process. This offense is a QB’s nightmare. I was watching the game with a friend of mine and after a Ravens drive was extended due to a roughing the passer call and he said, ” I bet Joe is pissed that they threw that flag. Now he has to stay out there for another set of downs.” Imagine going to work as a waiter at a restaurant and having busboys without arms, food runners without legs, and a chef that only knows how to make porridge even though you have a 70 item menu. Now imagine all of the grumpy, dumbass customers blaming you and calling for you to be fired all day long because you are the one out front for all to see and they aren’t smart enough to realize that it’s hard to get everyone’s porridge out when the tables are still covered in dishes because the busboy can only carry one plate at a time with his mouth and the food runner keeps spilling the porridge as she barrel rolls from table to table. This is Joe Flacco’s life. Joe Flacco is that waiter. Well, he is that waiter plus 100 million bucks.
So Thursday night should be fun. Some people are saying it might be a record low crowd (I sound like Cheeto face). Honestly, I’m quite looking forward to it. There are few things I enjoy more than a good tailgate followed by going to the Ravens game regardless of the circumstances. I feel sorry for the schmucks who are giving away their tickets because of the national anthem thing, or the people that have resigned themselves to only watching games at home because it’s more comfortable. You are all basically dead. So have fun boycotting football or sitting at home watching in your smelly man cave in your recliner that is infused with back sweat while you yell at your wife to get you another crappy beer. I’ll be out here amongst the living, having fun, spending three of my remaining hours watching some ugly football. It always beats the alternative.
In other news, it’s World Series time. I think this series is going to be a lot of fun to watch. Both teams have a plethora of young, exciting players. Also, Kate Upton. It’s supposed to be almost 100 degrees in LA for game one. Hopefully she dresses accordingly. Out of all the talent that is on both rosters my favorite player in this World Series, by far, is Yasiel Puig. Old grumpy white men that,”respect the game,” freaking hate Yasiel Puig and that is what I love most about him. I love the bat flips, the standing in the batters box admiring a, ‘homer,’ that ends up short hopping the wall and the dance when he still legs out a double. The single greatest Puig moment came in game one of the NLCS when he hit a dong, came back to the dugout and despite the cheering subsiding, gave himself a curtain call. You have to be an absolute boss to do that and an absolute boss Puig is. Plus, he has one of the greatest outfield arms I have ever seen and has absolutely no time or regard for hitting the cutoff man which is another thing that drives old baseball, “purists,” nuts. When he is playing well, he is an absolute joy to watch. When he is imploding, he is an absolute joy to watch. I hope the series goes seven games and in the bottom of the 10th in game seven, the Astros bring Verlander out of the pen to hold on to a two run lead and close out the World Series. The Dodgers have two on with two outs as Yasiel Puig comes to the plate. Puig steps in the batters box, raises the roof, and calls his shot. He hammers one to deep left center, flips his bat high in the air and raises his hands because he knows it’s gone. Springer is racing back, leaps and crashes into the wall as the ball ricochets off the wall back into right center. Puig is still in the batters box as he realizes that he might want to run. He starts hauling ass around the bases. Springer, in center, has lost awareness and right fielder Josh Reddick left early to beat the LA traffic so the ball is just sitting out in right field. Finally the first baseman reaches the ball as Puig is rounding third straight through a stop sign from the third base coach. In a plot twist, due to the Astros catchers all getting food poisoning from a taco truck earlier in the day, Jose Altuve is catching. The throw home beats Puig but is slightly up the third base line. Puig has one option. He jumps and does a front flip over tiny child, Jose Altuve landing on home plate. The Dodgers win the World Series and Kate Upton is so overwhelmed with desire for Yasiel Puig that she runs on the field and they embrace in a kiss for the ages and live happily ever after. Enjoy the World Series!