Bye weeks suck. I know the Ravens haven’t been much fun to watch lately but not having a game to look forward to all week and then spending my Sunday watching other ass games that I don’t care about is even worse. You might say, ‘Hey, Adam, you incredibly hot, sex symbol of the Baltimore sports blogging world, you know you don’t have to watch the games on Sunday. Go out into the world and strut your stuff big boy, and feel the lushness of freedom beaming down on you like a steaming shower of Ramen noodles.’ I would respond, ” First of all, thank you. Second of all, I will not heed your advice. I will waste away in a dark, cold room sucking down beer and munching on Tostitos as I watch the end of the Jaguars, Chargers game that CBS takes off the air as it goes into overtime. I will switch to the whiskey and graham crackers as I watch the Giants take on the 49ers in a game that only the Browns could be proud of. And it will be all boxed red wine and Twizzlers for the night cap as I toast to Brock Osweiler, Denver’s prodigal son.”
Thank you for going on that journey with me. That is what bye weeks are like for me ; a strange, purgatory like experience that demands sorrow, laziness, snacks, alcohol, and horrendous football. Many people made very original and hilarious jokes all week about how at least during the bye we don’t have to watch the Ravens lose. While absolutely stunningly witty, I was not laughing at these jokes. I know what bye weeks entail and I dread them every year. But now, that week is behind me…at least until next fall. There is always a bye week looming somewhere in the future. There is no escape. But let us not look too far ahead for if we do we shall not move forward yet we shall be stuck in the dwindling present for all of eternity. The bye week will come again, oh yes, it will come again, but I vow to enjoy my time in between now and then and cherish gamedays as they are meant to be cherished. Sometimes gamedays are excruciating and gloomy. But my friends , let me tell you, the alternative is as dark as a coal miners’ under cheese. Let there be football.
That being said, who is ready for some football this Sunday!? The Ravens are traveling to Lambeau to take on a mightily shorthanded packers team. I’ve always wanted to go to Lambeau for a game so a few weeks ago I asked my Dad if he wanted to go to Green Bay for this week’s game. He responded, “No.” So that was that. In the past, I would have almost been disappointed that the Ravens didn’t get the chance to play against Aaron Rodgers, but the way things have been going recently, thank little baby Jesus that he isn’t playing. I didn’t see much of the Packers game last week ( I guess Brett Hundley made a few plays) but the week before that I watched him play on Monday night against the Lions and my expert analysis told me that he was as limited as a jellyfish with no jelly and only a little fish. That being said, as Jason and Jerry discussed on last week’s podcast, the Ravens haven’t exactly played against a murderer’s row of QB’s so far this season and we have all seen how they’ve fared.
I’m not really sure where my optimism comes from but I like the Ravens to get the win this week. Hell, I like the Ravens to run the table and finish the season 11-5 and go on and win the Super Bowl. So take that and shove it in your suit pocket for a champagne dinner. Just so we are clear, in all my years of being a Ravens fan I do not think I have ever uttered a prediction that didn’t involve the Ravens winning. But, watch your little tongue if you are making fun of me because the Ravens are 200-167-1 all-time including the postseason. That means I’m right a lot. Don’t hate the playa hate the game, unless the playa is really freaking annoying. Then you can hate him/shim.
Ok, well, that was fun. My homework assignment this week was an interesting one. Jason and Jerry are on a permanent quest to bring you the best, brightest and most entertaining guests every week. Most of the time, they deliver.(Except for Dan O’Dowd, he’s a little condescending douche hammer that was as interesting as an ex-GM.) So, naturally, from the jump, they have been on a quest to get the great, David Hasselhoff on the pod. I had no clue, until last week, that Hasselhoff is from Baltimore. I can’t tell you how proud that makes me to also be from Baltimore. Anyway, I was assigned the task of emailing ” The Hoff’s,” manager and requesting his presence on our podcast. Here is the actual email I sent to his manger.
Dear The Honorable Larry A. Thompson,
I am writing to you today because I understand that you have the fantastic honor and massive responsibility of representing the one and only Mr. David Hasselhoff. I’m sure this position keeps you amazingly busy with new opportunities popping up left and right for David. I have a fantastic opportunity for Mr. Hasselhoff. I don’t want to take up to much of your precious time so I will write the rest of this email to your client and you can just show him instead of reading it yourself. Goodbye, Larry A. Thompson. I love you.
Dear Mr. David Hasslehoff,
Wow. Hold on. Let me catch my breath. I’m pretty nervous. I can’t believe you are going to be reading this message that I am writing from my very own computer. It will be just like when my mom was in prison for biting my aunt and she told to look at the sun at 4 o’clock every day and she would do the same. I know you are busy recovering from your David Hasselhoff World Fan Cruise so I will get right to the point. I am an intern for a podcast in Baltimore. It is mostly sports related but we try to get the best guests from the Baltimore area regardless of your expertise. The podcast is fairly popular reaching thousands of people each week. You may know Jason La Confora from his 15 seconds per week on the CBS NFL pregame show. You might know Jerry Coleman from the sparkling profile that JMORE Magazine did on him. Probably not. But they are the hosts of the podcast. Enough about them. Let’s talk about you and me.
We have a lot in common. I was once a lifeguard in real life, saving real people’s lives. You were once a lifeguard on TV performing mouth to mouth on scantily clad, underpaid, extras. I used to have a six-pack and didn’t even need tanning oil or makeup to show it. You used to have a six-pack too. You worked with big fake-breasted women in one piece bathing suits that had Hep C. I worked with naturally big-breasted women in bikinis that didn’t have any STDS. You have/had a, “music career.” I sang two solos playing Ichabod Crane in my 8th grade play. You grew up in Dundalk. I grew up in Linthicum. You were married to your first wife for five years. I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years. Your daughter taped you being a completely drunken mess. I’ve been drunk before. The similarities go on and on and on. It’s actually pretty eerie how much we are alike. Anyway, David, if I can call you that…I am just asking for a favor one former lifeguard to another. I’m trying to make a good impression with my bosses and swim one stroke at a time to bigger and better things. I’m sure someone helped you out and gave you your big break. Be my big break, Hoff. We only need about three hours of your time. Just kidding, more like 10 minutes. See, I’m funny too. While I’m not from Dundalk, thank God, I am from the suburbs of Baltimore. So do a fellow Baltimoron a solid. I will think of your forever fondly and not just for being the guy on the show that I would sneak downstairs to watch when puberty started. Thank you in advance for your generosity.
With the utmost respect, love and sensual hope,