Would you rather be a Browns’ fan or have to cut Donald Trump’s toenails with your teeth for three hours every Sunday after he played a round of golf? Both have their perks. If you are a Browns fan and you get too drunk at the game and puke in your seat, you could easily pass it off as a natural reaction to watching DeShone Kizer play quarterback. If you cut Donald Trumps toenails with your teeth every Sunday for three hours after he played a round of golf, you would certainly get pretty good at cutting toenails with your teeth and probably would no longer be afraid of spiders or mice. Win, Win. If only there was a way where you could go to the Browns’ game, puke in your seat, and then get to the course in time to greet Donnie in the clubhouse just as he was taking off his shoes.
Dog pounds have always been sad places but First Energy Stadium in Cleveland might be the most morbid dog pound in the country. At least dogs in most other dog pounds have hope of being rescued and finding a forever home. I guess that’s what happened in 1996 but that’s not the point. I literally laughed out loud multiple times throughout the game when the few fans that were there unleashed ruthless booing upon the Browns’ offense. It was play after play that the fans voiced their absolute disgust. It would probably have made more sense if they had just booed before every play. Booing after the play suggests that you thought something positive could occur but then were disappointed. The good news for Browns’ fans is that there is no end in sight. Why is that good news you may ask? Misery loves company. No Browns’ fan has any excuse to ever be lonely.
Can you smell that? No, not your coworkers’ moldy, gravy scented socks. I’m talking about the playoffs! The Ravens are going for the first time since 2014 and I’m excited. Yes, I’m fully aware that they have not clinched yet, but they are going. With the pathetic Colts and Bengals coming to town I’m willing to stake my entire reputation on it. My reputation mostly consists of peaking too early, underachieving, hanging around playgrounds, bouncing from shrink to shrink, drinking too much and slowly isolating myself from reality but I’m willing to risk all of that. The Ravens are going to the playoffs and I for one think they have a real shot to win the whole damn thing. While the loss at Pittsburgh two weeks ago certainly stung, I think it showed that the Ravens, without a doubt, can play with the big boys in the AFC. The offense is peaking and as crazy as this would have sounded five weeks ago, I’m actually more worried about the defense going forward than the offense. The Ravens offense has finally figured out a way to stay balanced and give Joe enough time to be comfortable and not worry about being pummeled every single time he drops back. Alex Collins has been mostly fantastic and when he wasn’t much of a factor on Sunday against the Browns, Buck Allen stepped up and had a very solid day. The offensive line is somehow coming together and playing infinitely better than the first half of the season. The thing that still worries me about the Ravens ‘offense is the lack of a wide receiver that they can completely rely on to make tough catch or two in a big spot late in a playoff game. Or early in a playoff game. Or somewhere in the middle of a playoff game. As far as the defense goes, I think they can make some big plays and turn the other team over but the Steelers completely exposed their secondary, which is significantly more vulnerable without Jimmy Smith. It does worry me that Brady and Ben will be able to pick apart the Ravens through the air. All that being said, as I have made very clear during previous blogs, I don’t ever pick against the Ravens and I fully expect them to run the table and win the whole damn thing. If you are laughing in my face, I suggest that you find another face to laugh in because I’ll steal your nose and then grab it from behind your ear.
So, I don’t really want to talk about this because it makes me sad and I’m already sad enough but by most accounts it seems as if the Orioles are attempting to trade Manny. If you listen to the podcast you know that Jerry and Jason are on board with trading Manny because they don’t want to be left high and dry with only a compensatory pick when he becomes a free agent next year. Obviously the logic is, if you aren’t going to sign him you might as well get all you can get for him. But, but but but whyyyyyyyyy. If Manny played here for the next ten years he would have a real shot to go down as the best Oriole of all time. Getting rid of Manny, especially if he ends up a Yankee would be like getting the cutest puppy ever who is mostly well behaved but shits and pisses on the rug occasionally. You train your puppy to be a majestically well-behaved dog that loves cuddling, playing fetch, and licking peanut butter off of whatever you put it. Then, right when your perfect dog hits his prime, you have to give him to your buttfaced neighbor who already has four awesome dogs and a way bigger house than you. It’s just not right. Manny is an absolute joy to watch every night and being the emotionally based fan that I am, I don’t want to lose that. Also, who is Schoopy gonna slap in the ass with a towel and giggle with as they nakedly chase each other around the clubhouse after they leave the shower together? How can you replace that? It’s awesome to have one of the best players in the game on your team. I know we all know this and it might not be financially feasible to sign Manny to the 300 million dollar plus contract that he will command but, God Damnit!!! I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle watching Manny play for the Yankees or Red Sox. I will then have to hate him. I don’t want to have to hate Manny. Maybe Manny will get busted for steroids, and lose a ton of value on the market allowing the Orioles to resign him. Is it ok to hope for that?
My homework assignment this week was to find out who created a Twitter account for Jason’s dog Copper (@CopperLaCanfora). While I have made some early steps towards cracking the case, I am still too early in the investigation to release details to the public. I have implemented a few tactics including surveillance and preliminary contact with the suspect. I have theories that go way deeper than you could ever imagine. We are talking possible murder for hire, sex, unisex restrooms and gummy worms. Stay tuned, as I will release more information when I feel comfortable sharing what I know. If you have any tips please message me @finkerstinker on Twitter. There is no monetary reward but I’ll gladly share a bottle of your best wine with you if information you provide leads to identifying the perp.